Advice column: Ask a City Council*
Dear City Council: Why is the sky blue?
- Suzie, age 6
Dear Suzie: Sometimes the sky is blue and sometimes it is grey. We on the council get a lot of comments from the community and the community wants blue skies. Just yesterday, we ran into a neighbor of ours who said overcast days are depressing and he wished it would clear up already.
To us, it's sad that a few clouds could change the our quality of life like this.
The time may have come, then, for the city to look into the cost-effectiveness of weather modification. We motion that the City Council form a task force made up of representatives from the council, city staff and residents, both from the pro-blue sky camp and the pro-grey sky camp. We also motion the city set aside up to $10,000 to hire consultants to run some calculations at our direction. Do we have a second?
Dear City Council: There's this really pretty girl in my class and I really like her. What should I do?
- Johnny, age 9
Deary Johnny: If this girl is as pretty as you say, no doubt a lot of boys will be trying to get her attention. Normally, we would suggest you send her a nice card with maybe some Tootsie Rolls. But since you really have to stand out from the competition, we think you should build a fountain dedicated to her.
It should be a really nice fountain, possibly in the middle of a river, that can spray water high in the air. That way, the girl you like will be able to easily see it. It should also have lights so it is equally attractive day and night.
As a side benefit, this fountain would also attract visitors to our community, helping our businesses. That's what we call a win-win situation, Johnny.
But a fountain like this, our engineers say, would cost a lot more than the average 9-year-old's allowance. We understand the water and light department has some money that it won't be using next year so we recommend you go ask them. You should ask nicely and soon because those guys get pretty grumpy when you ask at the last minute -- something about needing to do budget planning.
Dear City Council: Kyle took my toy and he won't give it back.
- Cynthia, age 3 1/2
Dear Cynthia: The city's role is to protect and serve and we need to show zero tolerance towards toy-taking. Our officers tell us that they can't always respond to incidents of toy-taking because toy-taking is lower on the priority list than other crimes, such as assault and battery or murder.
Sometimes the officer has to help another officer requiring assistance.
Let us say that you, Cynthia, call 911 and an officer is sent over. But suppose, at that time, another officer pulls over a speeding driver and that officer needs help with the ticketing process. The officer that was supposed to help you would have to divert to help out a fellow officer.
It occurs to us, then, that our police might need more resources to enforce the existing toy-taking laws. It further occurs to us that the laws we have might not provide our officers with enough flexibility. For example, if the toy is taken but then is returned, the laws do not specify whether the original toy-taking is still a crime. The law also does not say whether our officers can scold the toy-taker or not.
Therefore, we motion the city attorney draft the necessary amendment to the toy-taking ordinance and present this matter before the public safety standby committee.
Dear City Council: How are babies made? My friend Stu says kissing is involved. Is that true?
- Timmy, age 8
Dear Timmy: We're not convinced that making babies (or kissing for that matter) is the role of city government. Our role is to "protect and serve," not "titilate and procreate." Also, in this time of fiscal constraint, it really wouldn't be prudent to create new programs. Private individuals, we feel, can best kiss and make babies without interference by government.
It might be, as you suggest, that we as a community need to make more babies to counter outmigration. It occurs to us that, going forward, the city might consider providing incentives to help the private sector reach its full potential.
Anyway, Timmy, we don't think we should talk about how babies are made right now. Making babies, like legislating, is like making sausages.
*This is a fact-free article. It is satire. It might not be funny, but it's still satire. See McSweeney's for similar weirdness.
- Suzie, age 6
Dear Suzie: Sometimes the sky is blue and sometimes it is grey. We on the council get a lot of comments from the community and the community wants blue skies. Just yesterday, we ran into a neighbor of ours who said overcast days are depressing and he wished it would clear up already.
To us, it's sad that a few clouds could change the our quality of life like this.
The time may have come, then, for the city to look into the cost-effectiveness of weather modification. We motion that the City Council form a task force made up of representatives from the council, city staff and residents, both from the pro-blue sky camp and the pro-grey sky camp. We also motion the city set aside up to $10,000 to hire consultants to run some calculations at our direction. Do we have a second?
Dear City Council: There's this really pretty girl in my class and I really like her. What should I do?
- Johnny, age 9
Deary Johnny: If this girl is as pretty as you say, no doubt a lot of boys will be trying to get her attention. Normally, we would suggest you send her a nice card with maybe some Tootsie Rolls. But since you really have to stand out from the competition, we think you should build a fountain dedicated to her.
It should be a really nice fountain, possibly in the middle of a river, that can spray water high in the air. That way, the girl you like will be able to easily see it. It should also have lights so it is equally attractive day and night.
As a side benefit, this fountain would also attract visitors to our community, helping our businesses. That's what we call a win-win situation, Johnny.
But a fountain like this, our engineers say, would cost a lot more than the average 9-year-old's allowance. We understand the water and light department has some money that it won't be using next year so we recommend you go ask them. You should ask nicely and soon because those guys get pretty grumpy when you ask at the last minute -- something about needing to do budget planning.
Dear City Council: Kyle took my toy and he won't give it back.
- Cynthia, age 3 1/2
Dear Cynthia: The city's role is to protect and serve and we need to show zero tolerance towards toy-taking. Our officers tell us that they can't always respond to incidents of toy-taking because toy-taking is lower on the priority list than other crimes, such as assault and battery or murder.
Sometimes the officer has to help another officer requiring assistance.
Let us say that you, Cynthia, call 911 and an officer is sent over. But suppose, at that time, another officer pulls over a speeding driver and that officer needs help with the ticketing process. The officer that was supposed to help you would have to divert to help out a fellow officer.
It occurs to us, then, that our police might need more resources to enforce the existing toy-taking laws. It further occurs to us that the laws we have might not provide our officers with enough flexibility. For example, if the toy is taken but then is returned, the laws do not specify whether the original toy-taking is still a crime. The law also does not say whether our officers can scold the toy-taker or not.
Therefore, we motion the city attorney draft the necessary amendment to the toy-taking ordinance and present this matter before the public safety standby committee.
Dear City Council: How are babies made? My friend Stu says kissing is involved. Is that true?
- Timmy, age 8
Dear Timmy: We're not convinced that making babies (or kissing for that matter) is the role of city government. Our role is to "protect and serve," not "titilate and procreate." Also, in this time of fiscal constraint, it really wouldn't be prudent to create new programs. Private individuals, we feel, can best kiss and make babies without interference by government.
It might be, as you suggest, that we as a community need to make more babies to counter outmigration. It occurs to us that, going forward, the city might consider providing incentives to help the private sector reach its full potential.
Anyway, Timmy, we don't think we should talk about how babies are made right now. Making babies, like legislating, is like making sausages.
*This is a fact-free article. It is satire. It might not be funny, but it's still satire. See McSweeney's for similar weirdness.
posted by Tu-Uyen at 11:00 PM
7 Comments:
For a moment there, I thought you had Ryan Bakken writing your blog entry.
Nevertheless, point(s) well made!
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
OMG...satire at the expense of the City Council. That's the insider's ultimate guilty pleasure.
Kudos.
What a relief from arguing with Dakota and Tom.....
City Beater wrote "*This is a fact-free article."
If that is true, then it must be at least partially factual. If a guy says "I always lie," is he telling the truth?
"it's like making sausage"(insert the snidely disingenuous laughter of your favorite councilman)
You're right. Should've said "This is a fact-free article. However, that last sentence and this one is factual."
What a great site, how do you build such a cool site, its excellent.
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